The Past That Haunts
by mystriaL-aNgeL
Summary: [RoyxRiza] Riza's burdened by her past love, fearing to love and be loved.


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**The Past That Haunts**

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**Standard Disclaimer: **I do not own anything from fullmetal alchemist nor do I own the song BECAUSE OF YOU by Kelly Clarkson. All I have is the story. Roy and Riza don't belong to me.

**Author's note:** What can I say? Read and review, thanks!

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_I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
I will not let myself  
Cause my heart so much misery  
I will not break the way you did,  
You fell so hard  
I've learned the hard way  
To never let it get that far_

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In the protection of the stilled night, a figure sat on the side of her bed. The moonlight poured in, casting shadows behind each object, furniture, books, memories... Her blond hair formed a curtain for her face, her features and her tears.

Light fell and played with the briskly undid military uniform she wore. The black buttons that were carelessly splayed open and the collar hanging loosely away from each other. Each play of light accentuated her emotions, the pain she was going through.

As the night fell deeper, slumber took over as usual. In a curled up fetus position she slept, fingers continuously, unconsciously caressed and stroked a picture frame in her possession.

A picture frame of a girl and a boy…_in love_.

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_Because of you  
I never stay too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

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She felt a man's gaze. The man's gaze once more, a man that was both her superior and the subject of her respect—Colonel Roy Mustang. It was never obvious, never noticed by any eyes in the office, not even hers…but she felt it. His eyes were always on her, like she on him. Never seen, but felt. She liked him, he knew. He liked her, she knew. It was a mutual likeliness. It was like, adoration, respect, anything that involved speeding heart beats, and warming comfort but not _love. _Like, not love…never that far. Never.

_Like, not love._ She told herself again. It was something she couldn't give. Something she would never touch again, after the first time with a man in her young age. She had known love then, it was beautiful but when it ended, it hurt. She was strong, yes, on the outside. But she was fragile on the inside, she knew, she and no one else. And she feared she would crumble, then, she and everyone else would know.

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_I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out  
I cannot cry  
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes  
I'm forced to fake  
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life  
My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with_

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Havoc and the bunch were laughing and teasing him, occasionally accompanied by their envious eyes. She was there; listening with a straight face, though inside she was breaking. He smiled at her, she turned away. He had smiled; she had turned, because his smile, it was apologetic. She was going crazy with this everyday talk of him with his girlfriends. She was going crazy from not being able to pull the trigger and fire at him just to show that she cared about him being with others. But she couldn't.

It was like that, even if it was just like, not _love. _There was pain, even in like. What would come with love? She only knew too well.

They laughed, she smiled. They joked, she fumed. They played, she fired. And he frowned. He frowned when he caught her eyes, he frowned when he watched his subordinates…her.

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_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

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They walked together. After work, when the night fell in. The rank Colonel and the First Lieutenant was gone, brushed away by the comforts of their souls. He talked comically, as if nothing was wrong, everything was right, they were right, their feelings were right.

He laughed now and she laughed like she never could in front of others. All pain was gone, by his very presence. They joked and played; she giggled and laughed, as did he, smiling at her relaxed self. The frowning, the fuming, all were gone.

His hand came out again, like every other night, to grip her hand. She shuddered, but her heart warmed, so she pulled away…again. Like every other time. It was her turn now, to smile, apologetically. Unlike her, he didn't turn. He frowned, frowned down at her separated hand, at her. When it reached her, it changed. The light in his eyes changed into something else, something different, something like a plea.

She smiled again and pulled further away, because she felt something, like a _flutter_ in her stomach.

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_I watched you die  
I heard you cry every night in your sleep  
I was so young  
You should have known better than to lean on me  
You never thought of anyone else  
You just saw your pain  
And now I cry in the middle of the night  
For the same damn thing_

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The night came again. When everything came back. All memories, all emotions, all the hurt she had felt and saw. When _he _left. The first boy in her life, when she was a mere young recruit and he again, a _superior_ infantry unit. The first boy who loved her like she did to him, who had cried at the last moment. The very last moment before he left her with what he gave…_forever._

They had known each other in training, with hair as black as night, and a playful yet charming grin plastered across his face…_just like Roy._ Her first love and the _like_ she tried to deny herself of. Him and Roy. They were so alike in many ways.

Everything played alive once more and she relived it, as she did every night and day. Since the very second her eyes saw him fell, from a bullet through his heart. She saw it again and again, her eyes widening at the sight of his blood, an inconspicuous smear of crimson stain on his blue military uniform. She felt again, how her body fell with him and watched his tear stained face, as he cried, and told her about his love and her love…and gave her brittle heart, the pain that came with it.

It was a first and a last, never again, she promised herself as she trained, and trained, doing target practicing after target practicing to be what she is now, a professional sniper. The best, so one such as that, when she was young and he was young could never ever happen again. There was still no guarantee. So the promise was never breached for safe guard.

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_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I tried my hardest just to forget everything  
Because of you  
I don't know how to let anyone else in  
Because of you  
I'm ashamed of my life  
because it's empty  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

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She was scared. So scared to reach out to take his hands in love. _His _hands, not him that left her but Roy. One pain was hurtful, the second one would kill. When she thought about the memories, she felt like screaming. She felt like screaming for it to stop haunting her, for _him _to stop barring her freedom. Oddly, tonight the screaming was soothed, calmed by a gentle and masculine voice at the back of her head. Almost inaudible as it was conveyed only through a pair of onyx pleading eyes, a message that said, "_Riza, please trust me…"_

Her heart was fluttering, though she was still crying. She knew then, what must be done. For that night, she opened her sealed up dam and cried. With each sniffle and each sob, the memories faded. With each suffocating breath she breathed, her life was renewed. After the last sniffle went and the last refreshing breath coursed through her, she stood and opened the drawer by her bed. Her hands shook and her focused eyes wavered, but she was determined. Determined to do what she had set out to do. And that she did, at last, as she locked away the picture frame…_once and for all._

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_Because of you  
Because of you_

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The doorbell rang then, and she wondered, for a moment, who could it be, at such an hour. She walked over, and opened the door.

There he stood, her knight in shining armour, with a nervous smile on his face and a strange light in his eyes. One she had not acknowledged until now…_love._

Then he spoke. Despite his shaky appearance, his voice rang clear and loud. He said, "marry me, Riza."

There it was, in the open, for her to see. The difference between the man that died leaving her with nothing but pain and the man that stood here now, on her doorsteps, promising her nothing but love and a _future. _They were so much alike in features and attitude, but their difference made the most.

And she smiled, a genuine smile for once, for the love she had only to admit it was there.

"Gladly."

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Once again, **Read and Review **thanks! Ja ne.

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